When guys go on a guys-only trip, it becomes an adventure. They say – two brains are better than one. But in a guys-only trip, the brains collision causes evaporation. Brains vanish. It’s true. They do socially unacceptable things. And they, I mean, we just don’t know its socially unacceptable. I blame it on the Y-chromosome given by the God himself.
Nahi?
On July 29th, 1995, I went on one such weekend trip with my friends.
I love rains. Lush green, saundi saundhi Khushboo and nice cool weather. Perfect setting for us to drench ourselves in muck (kichad) like buffaloes in the name of football.
Lonavala invited us – “Come, experience me. Experience heaven on earth.” We did not want to disappoint her. 12 of us decided to go.
My packing was simple then. Carry things that will fit in one saawan bazar post purchase free plastic bag. No Jansport. No Wildcraft. As I was about to leave, Amma hands over a small plastic bag (no no, not zip-lock it was a milk plastic bag) packed with Poori, sandwiches, glucose biscuit and 10,000 instructions – be careful, sambhal ke train, masti mat karo, insaano jaise raho, time pe khaao, here is extra 10 rupees, keep money in 3 different locations etc. etc. etc.
Moms are the best.
We are in the train to Lonavala. And in 15 mins, someone farts. Loud and stinky.
“Pamya, control it yaar”. shouts Rake.
Pamya was silent. He knew that we all knew that it was him. And now the entire local train knew it was him. He didn’t care. Pamya, well, guys are like that.
It doesn’t stop at that. “Men” – I tell you.
“Bola mai, Kurla ka vada paav mat kha. Upar se ragada paav!” reasoned Prashant.
“Bhai, mereko gaali de – chalega. Vada Paav ko kuch nahi bolneka”
Six of them nod in agreement. Six unknown co-passengers. That’s how we guys bond.
“Ye Srilanka solid team hai re.” Says Raju, clearly trying to change the topic.
“Ghanta, Ranatunge ka pet dekha?!. He can win Japan Open Sumo Championship.” Retorts Kumar.
Salim adds “Chicken that Ranatunga eats love it in his stomach. There is so much space. For them, it’s a playground.”
We have a good laugh.
We pride ourselves for having the ability to laugh at anything – Good Joke, Poor Joke, Pathetic Joke – It’s classic Guy-Group-Syndrome.
We reach Lonavala. We end up picking a hotel called “Maharaja Inn”. A non-male homo sapiens would never step into that hotel. Mostly, guys are OK with a room that has enough space to sit with bottles.
We had budget for 2 rooms for 12 of us.
Hemkant is our go-to-guy when we are trouble and where ‘mandvali’ is expected. Three of us enter the hotel. We start talking to the hotel manager.
“Maximum 4 people per room is allowed.” He emphasizes.
Hemkant: “ok, we need 2 rooms – on the ground floor only please.” We are stumped. My math says 4 time 2 is 8. And we are 12. But in Hemkant we trust and keep quiet.
We come out and are in a huddle. Remember the pre-match team huddle?
Hemkant the mastermind: “You 4 in room 1. You 4 in room2. Enter hotel front door. You 2 in room 1 and you 2 in room 2. Enter the from the backside window while we keep the manager busy in front.
The plan was well executed. We all are in – 12 guys in 2 rooms. Within few minutes, we settle with the beer bottles, playing cards etc.
“Chakna nikaal re Salim.”
“Arey I Forgot.”
“Kya C@#$% hai re” Jaa Leke aa.
Kashya comes to rescue: “I have some chakli.”
Kashya bends to get the Chakli packet under the bed. Remember the Child’s Pose (Balasana) in Yoga? He bends and half-way under the bed.
Rake, Ratish and Anup’s eyes lit up – watching his dangling butt.
Next second, his butt is under multi-weapon attack.
Ratish does a “slicks” [ Slicks(verb): strike with swinging one’s hand and fingertips that almost cuts friends’ Butt quickly and fiercely. ]
“B@##$%” Screams Kashya
Hemkant does a “Kerchief-o-boomerang”: [ “Kerchief-o-boomerang” (verb): Rolling the handkerchief holding diagonally opposite ends and striking tip end of the handkerchief into friends’ Butt swiftly and forcefully and pull it back.
Kashya Screams “Aai ga… ”
As he is coming out Rake shows how a doggy is done!
Disgusting!? I agree. Men will be Men.
Kashya is tormented and is in excruciating pain. Naturally, all of us laugh.
Some have beer. Some have Coke. And shall we say – bonding continued.
“Arey Prashant yaar, tu Sandhya ko propose kar de yaar.”
All eyes on Prashant.
“Nahi re, wo merko ghaas nahi daalti. Upar se uska baap Raavan hai”
“Bol daal. Tu saala Doctor hai. Apne jaisa nahi” Says Pamya. “Bindaas bol dena ka re… ek hi life hai. “
Manager bangs the door.
In 0.0004 secs, four guys jump out of the window.
“Please awaaz kam karo. You are disturbing the entire hotel” manager shouts.
“Ok, ok” All of us (with zero regret).
And he leaves. Four guys Jump right back in – from the window.
Fun continues for few more hours. Some sleep, some don’t.
We are up very early at 11 AM.
We take a group picture with a 3-star Hotel Hari international in the background. We can’t tell the girls we stayed at Maharaja Inn – Ijjat ka sawal hai Bhai.
It’s a beautiful day with slight drizzle. Bushy dam is a 10 KM walk. We start walking in the drizzle. Ofcourse, we did not carry any raincoats or umbrellas. The solitary Saawan Bazaar plastic bag just didn’t have space for it.
Along the way, at a tapri, we had Kanda Pohe, kaanda bhaji, bhutta and perfect cutting – Yes Chai Tea. Heaven.
We are surrounded by hills on 3 sides with clouds covering the top. We see many groups – walking, on bikes and in cars.
It starts raining heavily. We are completely drenched and felt cold in our t-shirts. So, Anup and I remove our shirts and tie it on our waist – there was no space in the saawan… yes! 😊
Anup and I get into the mood for singing. Naturally the theme of our songs is Baarish.
Rim Jhim Gire saawan.. (what a beautiful song plus Anup sings well). Aa Jaraa Pat jaaye … Next… Kaate nahi katte ye din ye raat… Tip Tip Barasaa paani…
While we are lost in the world of Bollywood songs and rain, suddenly from nowhere two hawaldaar police (that was inspired by Chai Tea) come and hold me and Anup by our neck.
“Bahut Charbi chadi hai… open mein ladkiyon ko ched raha hai?” barked the police at us.
Me (in absolute pain by the grip of his hand): “Nahi… humlog to siraf gaa rahe hai.”
“Chalo chowki” he shouts.
They drag both of us to the chowki nearby. They make us sit on the floor. I see broken chairs, several belts and a jail.
Hawaldar: “Kahan se ho? Kaunsa College? And he did not wait for our answers.
“Nanga raste mein ghum raha hai. Mawaali panti karta hai. Tumlog ko maar maarke thik karenge. Do din lockup mein rakhega na, tab tumlog sudhrega.”
Five minutes back I was Shivering from cold, now I was trembling with fear. My heart is pounding. I see sweat drip from Anup’s forehead. His hands are shaking from fear.
“Haath aage karo”
Anup slowly moves his hand in front.
Hawaldar raises his lathi and brings it down to smack on Anup’s palm. But Anup (being a excellent goalkeeper with great reflex) pulls his hand back – just in time.
‘Khatack’. Lathi hits the ground.
Halawldaar’s blood red eyes opens wider. His grip on the lathi gets tighter.
“Haath nikalega? Ab dekhta hun. H.a.a.t.h aage kar.”
Anup puts his hand forward. And police smacks hard on his palm with the lathi.
“Aaaaaaaa aai ga”. He shouts in tremendous pain. Anup is in deep pain.
Next, he looks at me. And walks towards me just like Gabbar’s famous walk.
“Haath ulta kar. Aur aage bada. Haath nikaala to dus padegi”
I obey him. Now my knuckles are up. He takes his lathi up and hits me really hard on my knuckles.
“Aaah… ammmaaa” I scream in pain.
He hit me so hard that my knuckle bones went flat. Till date, I cannot use my knuckles to figure out which month has 30 and which month has 31st!
Interrogation continues.
After some 20 mins, all our friends came. Prashant was a student at JJ Hospital.
“Sir, I am a doctor at JJ Hospital and these guys are my friends.”
Ek dum se maahol hi badal gayi – a big sudden change in the police behaviour. That’s when I realized the Police have a huge respect for a Doctor – especially from JJ Hospital.
“Oh, Doctor saab samjhao in naalayakon ko. Raste mein ard-nanga chal rahe hai. Ladkiyon ko ched rahe hai. Sabhyalog aisa karta hai kya!” explains police
Prashant said things that established that we come from decent families. And in the end, Dr. Prashant said,
“These two don’t have the guts to tease girls”.
All laughed – except 2 of us. They released us.
As we continued our journey, Anup and I were the centre of all jokes. Ratish shared the story with unknown people on the road and laughed.
We reached bushy dam. Absolutely loved it. Nice clean cold water. We spent couple of hours there. Then we went to a waterfall nearby. We named it the LIRIL POINT.
It is time to head back home.
We reach Lonavala station in couple of hours.
We see there is a train on Platform 2. Rake shouts “Bhago, milega”.
We start running as if a mad dog was after us. We dodged, pushed and bumped into people as we climbed the bridge. The train horn blows “phawwooon”. The train starts moving slowly. But we keep running. We came down the steps. Hemkant slips and lands on his butt. Ouch! but he gets up quickly keeps running.
By the time we were on the platform, the train picks up considerable speed. Also, there was no Shahrukh Khan to hold our hands and pull us into the train.
We miss the train.
Next train is 3 hours later.
I see a train engine at the end of our platform. I walk towards it.
I see a man in the engine.
“Are you the engine driver?” I enquire
“Yes”
“Uncle, aap bahut lucky ho. My childhood dream was to be an engine driver, but I ended up becoming an engineer instead.”
“Accha? Thik kiya tu ne” he said.
Flashback.
“Ae Ae Appa, merry go round mein ek round” “Ja Baith”
“Ae Ae Krish, cycle mein ek round dena” “Aaja Baith”
“Ae Ae Raghvan, Bike mein ek round dena” “ Aaja Baith”
“Ae Ae Sujit, Car mein ek round dena” “ Aaja Baith”
Present.
“Uncle, Engine mein round do na… sorry sorry bole to, Karjat tak drop karo na”
“Tu Kya paagal hai?”
“Uncle, masti nahi karunga, Koi button haath nahi lagaunga. chup chaap baithega.”
“Tu Kya Paagal hai? “
“Please uncle. Mai Engine mein kabhi nahi baitha.”
“Tu kya Paagal hai?”
In the meantime, rest of the 11 come and stand next to me.
“ye log kaun hai?” .
Mere dost hai. “Please uncle, humlog ko Karjat tak chod do na”
Now Kumar blurts “Tu kya paagal hai?”
I ignore Kumar and look at the engine driver uncle and make one last attempt “Uncle, bachpan ka dream hai Engine mein baithne ka”
Silence.
“Thik hai. Aa jao. Lekin koi masti nahi and mein jo bolega tumlog sab sunneka”
“OK. Uncle.”
All of us get into the engine. It was an unforgettable ride back to Karjat. And then take a local train back home.
“Life was meant for good friends and great adventures.” – unknown.
I agree.
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