Mera Job Interview

True Story

1998

Mera Job Interview

I graduated from a engineering college with a degree that felt more like a participation certificate. Clueless and without direction despite having a job, I decided to do an MBA. Since getting into an Indian MBA College felt tougher than booking a Tatkal ticket, I applied to US universities instead. And guess what? They actually let me in! Shocking, I know—I was too!.

2 years later, I was given a degree in what real businesspeople call MCS i.e. “Master’s in Common Sense”.

Today campus is buzzing with top companies conducting interviews to offer jobs.

I CON-jured up the perfect pitch, CON-vinced a CON-sulting firm, and marched CON-fidently to the final stage of interviews.

I get a call from HR—the call to CON-quer the final hurdle.

“Hi Jitu, your final interview is scheduled for tomorrow 7 PM. It will be held at the Ritz-Carlton, Downtown Atlanta with Partners of the firm. It will be over dinner. All the best”

Formal Dinner. 5-Star Ritz-Carlton. Senior Partners.

Maaa kasammm…lagg gayiii…. Meri fati!

The only 5-Star experience I have is eating the 5-Star Chocolate bar. Also, a fancy hotel means a struggle to find a vegetarian dish. Yes, I am vegetarian.

“Jitu, breathe. Tension Nahi leneka, Tension Deneka! You got this. Akkha din hai to prepare – haan, Tayyari Jeet ki!”.  

Preparation begins

I spend four hours debating between Traditional Formal Suit, Business Casual Suit, Modern Professional Suit, Tech-Consulting Suit. And then the color – Navy Blue Suit, Steel Grey Suit with a tie, the black one, Olive Green, Orange Suit.

… and finally, I pick the Steel Grey one – because that is only one I have.

Being an Athlete I use the visualization technique to prepare. I close my eyes to visualize – The Suit, The Drive, Madhuri Dixit (shh… No No. Jitu Focus) The confident entry into the hotel, meeting the partners, a nice bold hand shake, a confident smile, being guided to the table, Mia Malkova (C’mon Jitu Focus) pulling the chair, being seated, smiling and nodding, being asked to order, and me slowly lifting the menu, reading the Menu.. krrrrk Krrrrk… reading the Menu… Krrrrk Krrrrk…Reading the Menu…udharreacchh atak gaya re!

My success visualization is STUCK! 

I can’t find any veg food to order on the menu. My head is filled with “Ritz-Carlton – Pure Non-Veg Hotel”.

“I can’t be thinking about food while I am in an interview.” I asserted.

Right. So, I make a plan. I will reach a bit early and sort this out.  

Next day, the big interview day, I reach the hotel sharp at 10 AM for an interview in the evening at 7 PM.  I am glad to see that there is no signboard of “Pure Non-Veg” anywhere.

The hotel is intimidating. The kind of place where the chandeliers are probably worth more than GDP of a country.

I walk into the restaurant and checkout the menu card. The only word I can recognize is salad. Sala… Waat! Everything else reads like an exotic non-vegetarian dish!

Enter Lisa

While I am staring at the menu, Lisa, the waitress, comes over.

Lisa: “What can I get for you?”
No response.

Lisa: Sir.. ?

No response.

“Sir, I’m the waitress, but even I can’t wait this long.” says giggling Lisa.

I glance up, my lips pressed into a thin line and my eyebrows slightly raised.

Lisa: “You, okay? You look… tense.”

“You see, I have an interview in the evening over dinner at 7 PM. I am a vegetarian; and in this menu I can’t find anything that I can eat. Also, I am very messy on the dinner table.

I want something very simple. I don’t want to look like an idiot with a fork. Do you serve biscuits for dinner? “

Lisa smiles: “Okay, I understand. Don’t worry. Let me help you. (looking at the menu) hmm… Okay, let’s keep it simple.

“Start with this Ceaser Salad and then Order the Heritage Angus Beef Striploin…”

Maa Kasam… My eyes widen and I take a deep breath shaking my head in disbelief.

Me: “I- just-told-you-I-am-a-vegetarian!”

Lisa: “…without the Angus Beef Striploin.

My hands go flying into the air and I am thinking “WTF!?… Khali Heritage Thali ka kya karega?!”

Lisa (Laughing):” It comes with grilled asparagus, velvety avocado, and roasted potatoes. It is very easy to cut, pick and eat … and very low risk of being messy! “

Genius. Except…

Me: “What’s asparagus? And avocado?”

OK, wait. And she disappears. I nervously wonder why she left.

Lisa returns and places a plate on the table with a deliberate, almost triumphant motion, her eyes glinting with quiet confidence. And says “Taste them”

I am tasting them like a judge of the MASTER CHEF while Lisa crosses her arms lightly, leaning back just enough to radiate self-assured poise.

Verdict? Edible. Manageable. Perfect.

Lisa had satisfaction of knowing she’s nailed it and even promises to wait my table in the evening.

The Interview

“Suited, confidence boosted and seated—here I am at 5 PM for a 7 PM interview

I notice a man at the table next to mine, clearly trying to set a world record for whiskey consumption. It seemed like he wants to talk to me but every time he looks at me, I look the other way. I’m in no mood for small talk – I just want to stay focused.

At 7 PM, Mr. Oliver (The Partner) and Mr. David Walker (senior Manager) walk-in.

“Good evening, G2”

“Good evening Mr. Oliver, Good Evening Mr. Walker”

“Did I get the name right?”

“Yes, absolutely”

When did you arrive?

“Just 15 mins back” I answer without hesitation.

We settle down, exchange pleasantries and do some small talk about the weather and Clemson Football.

Let’s order some food, shall we? Mr. Oliver asks.

Sure. Lisa is strategically standing next to our table. She hands over the menu to us.

I pretend to look through the menu and with supreme confidence declare…

“I will have the Heritage Angus Beef Striploin with no beef”

While we wait for the food to arrive. Oliver asks me “So, tell us about your PeopleSoft project at Clemson?”

The interview begins and I put my Game Face on. This is it.

As I am about to answer, a man sitting next to us (Yes, the whiskey man) looks at me and..

“Hey, kid!” he howls. “You really gonna sell your soul to the corporate America?”

Oliver looked confused, David intrigued, and me?

I froze. But thanks to my VIVA (oral Exam) training during Engineering days, I quicky recovered

I ignore him and continue. “As I was saying, my PeopleSoft Project.. “

He now stares at Mr. Oliver and says “The promises of growth fade as targets looms. Overtime is expected, but rewards are never seen”

My heart is racing faster than a Virar Fast Mumbai local, and my brain is screaming, “Koi iska Mu Bundh karo!”

For a moment, Mr. Oliver looked like a fish out of water.

I once again try to ignore him. And continue with “My peopleSoft project… “

And he interrupts again

“Employees Health declines while profits soar.”

Ata Maajhi Satakli

“YOU DRUNKARD BASTARD!  I HAVE BEEN LISTENING TO YOUR BULLSHIT FOR LONG. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW IMPORTANT THIS INTERVIEW IS FOR ME. YOU OLD FART – JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE FRUSTRATED WITH YOUR CORPORATE JOB AND LIFE, YOU WANT TO RUIN MY CHANCES. WHY DON’T YOU JUST SHUT UP AND MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS? “

Aisa Maine Socha, Bola Nahi.

David (the senior manager) was finding it difficult to control his laughter. Oliver gave me a look that said “Now, What?”

At this point, I had two choices: lose my cool and be Singham or remain calm like Bruce Lee and ease the situation. I opted for Jitu Lee.

So, I smiled and said, “Thank you, sir. I understand your concern. I am aware of the company culture and this company really values Employees. I know what I am getting into”  

While I am talking to him, Lisa comes to my rescue. She engages him in a conversation. Now he was lecturing her why Global Warming is a Big Scam!

With situation under control, Oliver smiled, David laughed, and I was warmed up!

The interview flowed well after that.

In some time, our food arrived. I cut, pick and eat my food – asparagus, avocado, and potatoes – no problem.

As we wrapped up, Mr. Oliver made an offer. My smile stretched so wide you could’ve fit a whole watermelon in it!   I thanked him and shook his hand so vigorously, we could’ve powered a small town if someone had hooked us up to a generator. (That PJ is a proof that four years of electrical engineering weren’t wasted after all!)

As I left, The Whiskey Man raised his glass to me and shouted, “Remember, kid—don’t let the job eat your soul!

 “Yes, Sir”

When I told this to my fellow classmates, they were CON-vinced I’d pulled off the ultimate CON-job! They meant CON-sulting Job re!

(PS. Lisa is now probably leading Greenpeace or IPCC)